Tag Archives: humor

And the Twilight fans are barking…

13 Dec

My intern, Marjorie, is the drummer in a band called Brand Name Punk. A little over a week ago she posted up their latest music video on YouTube and started sharing it with the world on Facebook. Of course, like any other unsigned band, their goal was to somehow go viral and get as much attention as possible. Well, let me tell you, I think they nailed it!

The song is titled “Hopes and Dreams” and it’s about a guy who is so obsessed with Kristen Stewart he manages to kidnap her and in his own little fantasy world believe she’s in love with him too. In the video they act this all out with a life size cardboard cutout of said actress. The band member with the obsession ends up spending way too much time with her and his bandmates decide it’s time for the affair to end. They kidnap “Kristen” again and destroy the cutout for the sake of the band’s survival. It’s silly. It’s cute. It’s HARMLESS!!!!

Well, I’ve seen their total view count go from 300 to over 18,000 in three days and let me tell you that it’s causing quite a stir from Kristen Stewart fans! Most seem to be taking this video quite seriously and believe they actually want to kill the girl! The nasty comments are numerous! Here are a few:

“It’s amazing what people do to get views and publicity. This disgusting thing should get banned and censored. Trying to steal fame out of our Kristen, and hurting her image in that form… so shameless, so repulsive.”

“Everyone who is a true fan of Kristen would NOT think this was funny. It doesn’t matter what they were actually trying to say with this video, they fucking BURNED a cardboard cutout of her. This is like porn for her haters. And if you think you’re a Rob fan and like this video, think again, because he’d lose his shit if he ever saw his girlfriend being disrespected this way. Fucking insensitive assholes. I’m flagging the shit out of this until it’s taken down.”

“horrible. way to promote killing an actress who already has too big a share of haters just itching at the bit for some inspiration to take it further than expressing their 1st amendment rights. fuck you!”

Bottom line, it probably IS illegal to use her image in the video without her consent. I honestly can’t say for sure, because I don’t know those laws, but come on! Seriously people?!?! These Twilight fans are way too much. You should see some of the comments that were left in Spanish!

Take a look at the video for yourself and let me know what you think!

I am the .5%

27 Nov

Now that my blog has been up and running for a while and has a substantial amount of visits and followers, I figured it was time to let you all in on a little secret of mine. I mean, who would want to expose such interesting cheese if no one is around to read it? Ok, well, it’s not really a secret, but it’s not something I usually go shouting out from the rooftops. It’s something personal, debilitating, and just all-around annoying.

After many years of struggling with crazy symptoms and having no idea they had any relation to each other, I did my research and consulted with my doctor and guess what? I have a classic case of Narcolepsy! Exciting isn’t it?! No, not in the least!

Before I get into my personal experience and struggle with narcolepsy, I will explain to you what narcolepsy really is. I don’t expect you all to be too knowledgeable of this condition if you don’t suffer from it, and being that only about .5% of the population gets diagnosed, the chances that anyone would truly understand are very slim.

Narcolepsy is a neurological disorder that affects the control of sleep and wakefulness. Those with narcolepsy experience excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS). This means that you can fall asleep at any given moment, at any given time, for any given reason. In most cases, symptoms start to develop between the ages of 15 and 25, 25 being the age where narcolepsy hits the hardest. But like everything else in this world, narcolepsy does have its exceptions and can definitely start sooner or later on in life.

Common symptoms of narcolepsy:

Cataplexy – A sudden loss of muscle tone that leads to feelings of weakness and loss of voluntary muscle control. Symptoms can range from slurred speech to total body collapse. These attacks can last anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes.

Sleep Paralysis – The temporary inability to move or speak while falling asleep or waking up. This too can last anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes.

Hallucinations – Vivid and frequently frightening visions accompanying the onset of sleep (Hypnagogic) and also occurring during awakening (Hypnopompic). These hallucinations may not only be visual; any of the other senses can be involved.

Microsleep – Automatic behavior without conscious awareness. For example, driving or walking competently but ending up in a different location than was intended or not recalling the trip from point A to point B.

The list goes on, but those are all the most common symptoms of narcolepsy. Cases vary from person to person; Some individuals will fall asleep uncontrollably at any moment and can most definitely hurt themselves in the process while others are able to control these attacks and fight through it.

My personal experience has been an interesting one, to say the least. I started experiencing Hypnagogic hallucinations as a kid. I never gave it much thought because I knew what I was seeing wasn’t real. I just figured I had a crazy imagination and never really told anyone about it.

At the age of 15 I experienced my first Sleep Paralysis episode. I remember opening my eyes and trying to sit up on my bed, only I couldn’t move. I tried and I tried, but no matter how much effort I put into it, my body was frozen; I was paralyzed. I also had the inability to speak. It was one of the scariest moments of my life.

One trigger that didn’t seem that important to me while growing up is my difficulty reading. As much as I love writing, reading was always a burden for me; I could never stay awake while trying to read. It’s an instant sedative for me. I literally pass out two pages into a book and sometimes struggle to read long articles. I used to have to take Xenadrine back in high school so that I could stay awake during important tests. I always managed to have amazing grades, but it did not come easy.

Another trigger that sets me into a state of uncontrollable sleepiness is temperature. Even though I like to sleep in the cold, under a nice thick comforter, stepping into a steaming hot car can knock me out in an instant. Same thing would happen to me in when I’d go to the Sauna at the gym. I can’t explain it! Something about the heat makes me so incredibly sleepy. Maybe that’s why I’m not so fond of Miami and would do anything to move away to a colder climate.

Eating a big meal is also a tough one to deal with. After every meal I do get a little wave of tiredness, but when it’s a large meal the sleepiness is insatiable. I remember when I used to bartend full time, if I ate heavy right before a shift I would literally fall asleep standing up against the bar, on a busy night with music blasting at ungodly levels..It was bad. And the worst part was that my coworkers just thought I was an asshole for being sleepy and exhausted all the time.

Probably the most dangerous trigger of them all for me is driving and car rides. It started off as me being the worst co-pilot ever, to little by little not being able to drive at all at night. I can literally be talking to my passenger and fall asleep with my eyes open and talking somewhat coherently. I’ve been very lucky to not have caused an accident in this state, but I have had several close calls and eaten plenty-a-median. I’ve also fallen asleep in my car before even starting it…it’s crazy. I know!

I think the symptom I have the least issue with is Cataplexy, which is basically sleep paralysis while awake. I have indeed had a really strong Cataplexy attack once, but it only ever happened to me that one time, two years ago so I don’t think it’s a symptom I have to worry too much about.

The scariest thing I experience now and have been dealing with for a good 5 years is Sleep Apnea mixed in with Sleep Paralysis. If you don’t know what Sleep Apnea is, it’s when your body starts breathing irregularly in your sleep and sometimes stops breathing all together. It’s usually not really noticeable, but of course I always fall within that special percentile of the population that’s a twisted exception and gets it hardcore. So, in a nutshell, I will wake up from a deep sleep, be totally paralyzed and not be able to breathe. Now THAT is a nightmare!

I do also experience episodes of Microsleep, mostly while driving during the day where I can will lose chunks of my trip. I will literally be driving somewhere and be like, “How did I get here? I don’t remember.” That too can be extremely dangerous because I’m basically driving on Zombie Mode.

But alas, I can say that my battle with Narcolepsy is not one that I’m losing. It’s intensity comes and goes in waves and it all depend on my all-around health, stress levels and ability to get a good night’s sleep. Right now I can safely say that I’m not going through a tough phase. Though it’s still something I struggle with on a daily basis, it’s not as uncontrollable as it used to be and I will credit that to my new healthy diet and exercise routine. There are a lot of treatments and meds I could try to help me out as well, but I feel like the all-natural route is always better.

So now you’re in on my little secret. How about you share one with me? Do you have any uncommon conditions you don’t mind sharing? Do any of you happen to suffer from narcolepsy as well??

I’m no one’s second choice!

3 Nov

**All names have been changed to protect identity**

Quite some time ago while I was actively searching for love on Match.com, I received a really amazing email from an Indian man named Sayeed.  It was a little longer than I like my icebreakers to be, but he was so well written, talked about a lot of the things I had mentioned on my profile and said just enough about himself to really intrigue me.  I checked out his profile and he seemed pretty interesting, but when it came down to his photos, I just couldn’t tell if I’d be physically attracted to him or not.

After a bit of thought, I decided I’d wait a few days to respond because I already had a date planned for the following evening with a Bavarian man, named Aldric.  I wanted to see what would come of our first date before initiating anything with Sayeed.

The day of,  Aldric suggested that we meet at a place called Green Street Cafe in Coconut Grove, and even though I didn’t really like the venue due to it’s pretentiousness and yuppie customer-base I agreed.  You can’t say I’m not a good sport!

Being the only Cuban in Miami not running on Cuban Time, I arrived early and sat at a table on the outside and ordered a drink while I waited for Aldric to arrive.  As I sat there I couldn’t help but notice a man standing at the bar in front of me.  He had a deep tan, gorgeous long wavy hair and was dressed up in a sexy suite.  For a while I could only see part of his face, but when he turned around I nearly choked on my drink !  It was Sayeed, and he was beautiful!!!

Now, the longer I waited the more I worried about Sayeed recognizing me and totally ruining my date with Aldric, but after a little while I realized what was really going on here.  He wasn’t going to notice me at all!   He was acting very nervous and kept looking around.  He brushed his hair with his hands repeatedly and kept looking at his phone….Yup!  He was there waiting for a date as well!

Sayeed’s date arrived a little before Aldric did so of course I had to scope her out.  She too was from India and was incredibly beautiful. I couldn’t hate!  They actually made a really cute couple.

Aldric eventually arrived and we had our date.  He was really sweet and it went well enough for me to agree to a second date, but now my eyes were setting on Sayeed as well.  I had to meet him!  I had to see what he was all about!

The next day I decided to respond to Sayeed’s email without making any mention of Green Street .  We went back and forth for a while and eventually moved on to the phone. We hit it off and in time, decided to meet each other in person.  On this date, however, I called the shots on the location and decided we’d meet at Transit Lounge.  For those of you not familiar with Transit (which is now closed) it was the coolest dive bar/live music venue in Miami.

Once again, I was the first one there, but this time I did not run into any other Match.com-ers.  At one point in the night, I did bring up the Green Street story and we had a great laugh.  Turns out that was his first date through Match.com and he was beyond nervous.   In the end, Sayeed and I  hit it off quite well and before getting into my car, I agreed to see him again.

A few days passed and we continued to chat, but no solid plans were made for the second date.  , Sayeed finally sent me a message saying that he had decided to take the other girl seriously and could no longer see me, but wanted to remain friends.  Of course, that was fine by me.  If it’s not meant to be, I am not one to force it!

However, two weeks later, Sayeed reached out to me again.  Turns out that after he decided to get serious about the other girl, she decided to get serious with someone she had met before him!  He now wanted to see if I’d like to go on our second date!  Hahahhaa!  As if I’d totally allow myself to be someone’s second choice!  My response was “Thanks, but no thanks. ”

And then I called up Aldric.

It’s a Shore thing…

30 Oct

I know Halloween is not actually until Monday, but I decided celebrating it a little early, along with the rest of the world lol

This year I decided to be Snooki from MTV’s Jersey Shore.  But I wasn’t just ANY Snooki, I was Daytime Snooki!  The one that wears furry boots, big hats and sunglasses.  I got a little creative and altered the glasses myself as well as the the shirt.  I clipped on some fake red hair, glued on some fabulously tacky nails and of course, coated myself in about six layers of spray tan.

Now, being that I’m only 5 feet tall and was in character a lot of the night, my costume was a smash!  People would flip out when they saw me and kept stopping me to take pictures with them.  I felt like a celebrity!  I totally loved it!

Here are some photos from last night’s adventure 🙂

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How I Became an Online Dating Addict

20 Oct

This week, instead of giving you the 101′s and ABC’s of online dating, I’d like to take a different approach and share my story with you; The reason behind why I became so enthralled with it all and why it works for me.  And in order to do so, I must start from the beginning:

As a senior in high school I was quite the character, to say the least.  I was an Honor Roll student, 1st Lieutenant in the JROTC, crazy about live Punk and Ska shows and addicted to the internet.  I don’t quite recall how I came across my first online dating site, but I do remember what it was called; “Face The Jury.”

On this site you would post photos of yourself with a short bio and other members would judge you on a scale of 1-10.  Personally, my score always ranged between an 8 and 8.4 (pats self on back).  I don’t believe that FTJ was ever a traditional online dating site, but it is indeed how I met my first internet crush.  Obviously, I don’t really need to go into much detail to say that we did not quite work out, but we are still very close friends to this day and I do not regret one second of it.

Shortly after that experience I was introduced to Myspace (another non-traditional online dating site) and little by little I started making new virtual friends and meeting them in person.  I dated a few of them, again nothing really worked out in the long run, but my experience there was just a warm up for what was in store for me in the future.

It wasn’t until a few years later that I really started to get hooked.  Up until then, I saw online dating as a reliable source, but by no means was it my priority since I would go out several times a week and party like a mad woman.  I would meet men in person everywhere I’d go thanks to my “life of the party” attitude and being an extreme extrovert.  But this all would soon change.

I’ve always been the type of person who’d jump around from industry to industry, earning me a very diverse resume, but in 2009 my career change went from one extreme to another.  I went from being a Trusted Agent with Homeland Security to becoming a Bartender.

Bartending was something I had always been interested in and as soon as I became certified I landed an excellent job at an Irish Pub.  I worked Thursday – Monday nights and only had Tuesdays and Wednesdays off.  Of course all of my friends had normal jobs and stayed in on my nights off and I refused to date any customers, so my chances of meeting men in person went down-hill.

What was a girl to do??  Well, this girl jumped back onto the Online Dating Wagon and joined Match.com (for the third time, but this time I went in for the kill)!  As soon as I joined my inbox was full of emails from men complimenting me, asking me out on dates and some even borderline professing their love for me.  Of course, I milked this to the extreme.  I was getting to know men from all walks of life and from all over the world; Cuba, Venezuela, Italy, Bavaria,  Austria, India, and much, much more.

I immediately started going on dates on my days off or before my shifts started on the weekends.  On a slow week I’d go on two dates, but my average was four to five dates a week, all with different men.

Now, I know some of you must be thinking “What a little slut.”  Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but that would be far from the case.  Sure I was talking to and dating multiple men at once, but most of them did not make it past that first date, and even less made it past a second.

So, with such little success, why did I continue to date this way?  Well, I saw it as a game of numbers.  If you go on enough dates, you’re bound to meet at least one man that could shine and stand out amongst the others; Aside from the fact that it was just all around fun and exciting.

Mass online dating also helped me figure out exactly what kind of man/qualities I’m looking for.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those girls who walks around with an unrealistic checklist entitled, “The Perfect Man”.  There is no such thing as perfect, but dating at high volumes did help me narrow it down to the most important traits in a short amount of time and help me realize that I should never settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.  And I’d much rather be single and happy than to be in a relationship with someone I know is not 100% meant for me.

Once again I find myself single and with a complicated schedule.  This time I am able to meet men on the random if I wanted to since I have weekends off.  However, I have now become really stand-offish when it comes to meeting men at bars and other public places. I honestly do prefer the method of reading a profile and getting an insight on them before engaging in conversation.

It’s like skipping through the B.S. of first impressions.  Your first impression for me is what you have to say for yourself to the world; a general insight on you.  Not what you think I might want to hear according to where you meet me, what I’m wearing and/or what I’m drinking.

online dating is what I’m most comfortable with, and has yielded the best results for me.  It’s something I enjoy and don’t plan on quitting any time soon…Unless I meet my Prince Charming, of course!  Until then, I’m hooked and it can only be to your benefit!

This entry was originally posted by me at Singles Warehouse

Online Dating 101: Safety First!

13 Oct

The arguments against online dating are numerous, to say the least, but the most common one I hear about has to do with a woman’s safety.  And as much as I’d like to say otherwise, unfortunately that’s an argument that will not be going away any time soon thanks to our fear-driven media and society.

Could it be that the thirty year old Chiropractor you’ve been chatting with for the past month might actually be a fifty-seven year old ex-convict with a taste for blood?  Anything is possible! But I believe it is much more likely to look out the window right now and find John Cusack holding up a Boombox playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel.

Did you look?? No Cusack Boombox serenade? I thought so!

Now, I’m not saying to throw caution to the wind and not take any precautions when meeting someone in person for the first time.  You most definitely need to be careful and I would like to share a few tips with you in order to make your first physical encounter a safe one.

Tip #1: Make sure you have a recent photo

Before even agreeing to meeting anyone in person, you need to be positive that they are who they claim to be on a physical level.  Make sure to have them send you a photo through their phone doing something you’ve requested, like making them stand in a particular pose or holding up a piece of paper with your name on it.  If they claim the camera on their phone doesn’t work suggest they web cam with you. If they cannot do either, I would suggest not moving forward with the date.

Tip #2: Meet in a public place

Always make sure that your first date with anyone you meet online is in a public place; mall, bar, restaurant, etc.  Whichever one you do, make sure it’s somewhere relatively busy where there will be a lot of eyes.  No matter how cool a person may seem via email or over the phone, do not ever go to their house or one of their friends’ parties or anything of the sort before you really know who they are.  Though some men may be great actors, for the most part your gut instinct and the chemistry you may or may not share with that person will be able to guide you in deciding whether or not that can happen on a future date.

Tip #3: Cover your steps and have a back-up plan

Never go off on a first date of the online kind without letting someone know where you will be.  Advise someone of the exact location, time, the name of the person you’re meeting, and if possible send that someone a picture of your date.  You can never be too sure and it’s always better to be safe than sorry.  You may also like to consider having a back-up plan. Let this person know that if you text them with the safety word (i.e. “Turtle”) that it is their cue to call you in a panic and demanding you come help them out with something immediately.

Tip #4: Always carry protection

For the ladies with a dirty mind, no, I am not talking about condoms!  Even though that is something you should always carry, you should not be getting down and dirty on your first date!

What I am talking about here is personal protection; Pepper Spray, Pocket Knife, Taser, or whatever is legal in your part of town.  Personally, I’ve always carried pepper spray on me.  It’s on my key chain and ready to rumble if there is ever a need for it.  Granted, in the seven years that I’ve made this part of my attire (and I do replace them frequently for freshness sake), I have never had to use it.  I’ve come close, but it’s never had to be done.

At the end of the day, ladies, we all need to be careful.  Never assume that anyone can be trusted until they have earned your trust.  Following each of these steps will definitely assure your safety, which is key.  Whether or not the date is an overall success is totally up to your chemistry and the powers that be!

This entry was originally posted by me at Singles Warehouse

I’m officially a writer for an Online Dating Blog!

5 Oct

After my previous entry (The world of online dating…) was featured on the WordPress Freshly Pressed section my blog has received more views and followers than I could have ever imagined in such a short period of time.

Along with that came  an offer from a very lovely woman named Samantha, who is the content manager for an online dating blog in the UK called SinglesWarehouse.  She asked if I’d be interested in contributing to their blog as a guest writer and I accepted. Shortly after submitting my entry she asked if I’d be interested in writing for them permanently and again, I most definitely accepted.

So now, I’d like to ask you all to please take a moment to read my first article for the Singles Dating blog entitled, Online Dating 101: Should I answer his email? and let me know what you think!

Online Dating 101: Should I answer his Email?

So you finally mustered up the courage to join an online dating site. You’ve uploaded a few photos, filled in your profile, took the ever so tedious free compatibility test, and after just a few minutes of becoming an active member, you notice you have a new message in your inbox. Now what?!

I have been meeting people online, on and off for the past nine years, and throughout all of my experiences, good and bad, I’ve become a pretty good judge of “online character.”

Below I have listed three requirements that will help you in the decision process as to whether or not that email warrants a response. If at any point a man does not meet a certain requirement, it’s best to just move along to the next email and start all over again. And if he doesn’t pass and you still insist on responding, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Requirement #1: Tasteful Username

Their username doesn’t have to be anything out of this world, but if it’s something along the lines of “1HotNight,” chances are that’s all this man is willing to offer. Unless that is what you’re looking for, it would be in your best interest to click on DELETE!

Requirement #2: Decent Subject Line

This too does not have to be extremely complex, but it can most definitely showcase a man’s intentions.
A simple “Nice to meet you” is acceptable, but it doesn’t really show that they have an eagerness to stand out. Ideally you want to focus on the ones that subtly hint that they actually took the time to read your profile; i.e. “I love blogging too!” Now, I’m not saying ignore the ones that only say “Hi,” but consider giving the ones who put in the little extra effort some priority in order of response.

Now if what you find in your inbox is “U like em big Ma?” or “Daaaamn you sexy!” you know off the bat what will be waiting inside. Do not even open that email! You will only be wasting your time and allow your views of online dating to be tainted by a loser!

Requirement #3: An email with substance

Once they have passed requirements 1 and 2 it is safe to read the email, but please consider a few things while doing so: Length, grammar, tone and personalization.

You don’t want an initial email that’s way too short, and you don’t want one that’s excruciatingly long either. You also want to be sure that he can spell correctly and understand the proper placement of punctuation marks. This proves that they are educated and that they pay attention to detail which is a very admirable trait for a man to have.

Analyze their tone in the email. Are they coming off as insecure by saying “I’ve never really done this before..” or “I know I probably don’t have a chance with you, but..,” or are they coming off completely arrogant with something similar to “Write me back if you think you can handle it.” What you want is a happy medium; A man who displays confidence in himself, but is far from arrogant.

And lastly, there has to be at least some level of personalization. There’s nothing more annoying to me than wasting my time reading an email that is generic and has probably been sent out to a thousand other women. That email must include at least one sentence that specifically mentions something that was written on your profile.

Once a man has passed those three key requirements it is safe to respond to their email. At this point, how you choose to do so is completely up to you.

Make sure you don’t respond to anyone in an “interested” manner if you are not actually sure you’d be interested. Inspect their photos and their profile and see if they would be the type of person you’d consider getting to know. If they aren’t, you can at least thank them for reaching out to you, explain they aren’t what you’re looking for and that you wish them the best of luck on their search.

It may suck to receive a rejection email, but I believe it is much worse to be ignored when you know you sent out a perfectly good email.

This entry was originally posted by me at Singles Warehouse