Tag Archives: women

Me Too

5 Oct

It’s been about a year now that the #MeToo movement has been going strong. In case you have been living under a rock, this movement is against sexual harassment and sexual assault. It’s used by mostly women (some men) in solidarity, sharing their stories of violation and some even exposing those who have wronged them.

When I first learned about his movement I didn’t know what to make of it. Part of me was happy to see this all happen, but part of me was almost scared and I didn’t know why. The more I read of brave women coming forward with their horror stories, the more thought I gave to the things that had happened to me in my life. And the deeper I dug into my own closet, the more I came to realize just how deep and dark that closet really was.

I came to learn more about my self and how I tick in this past year thanks to #MeToo. I realized that I was suppressing a lot of incidents and didn’t quite know how to face them. But in the end, I realized it all boiled down to one thing; Shame.

I have been a victim of sexual harassment, sexual assault and yes, rape. The harassment I didn’t seem to care too much about because growing up in South Florida, you honestly couldn’t step outside of your house without having someone cat call you in your own damn driveway. And it’s so sad that so many women, like myself, had become numb to it. The fact that sexual harassment was our norm is absolutely tragic.

As for the sexual assaults, I have had quite a few. I’ve experience it from both strangers and acquaintances alike. And the rape, well, once by someone I thought was my friend and the other by a man I was on a second date with. And it really wasn’t until recently that I came to terms with the fact that these two incidences were indeed rape. Mainly because both times I gave my consent, but not because I wanted to; I was afraid what would happen if I had insisted on the “No”. Because I knew that even if I had continued to say no, they would have had me anyway. Because it was better in my mind to just close my eyes and allow them to go through the motions than to experience the outright terror of the alternative.

But as a young woman in my early to mid twenties, still thinking rape was so black and white I couldn’t quite grasp the fact that it was what actually happened. I went through a mixture of feelings like denial, shame and even blaming myself for allowing me to be in those situations. You know, the lovely shit the patriarchy like to drill into the heads of females since birth! So I did what I thought was best; I placed these memories inside of a little box and push them deep inside my brain as best I could so as to forget.

There really is so much more to my story, but telling it in its entirety could really fill a book and I still, at this age and phase of my life, am not fully ready to disclose those details to anyone. But I will say that seeing other women step up for themselves has really inspired me. It has moved me in such a way to step outside of the patriarchal box I was living in for so long ad saying “Fuck you!” I’ve never been a feminist, ever, but these days I feel like I just might be on my way. I feel a lot more strongly about women’s rights and the straight up shit treatment we receive when it comes to sexual abuse.

I indeed have been part of the problem for so long and have been guilty of all kinds of horrible things like unfairly judging, slut and body shaming, and heck, even envy. But I have chosen to deprogram myself and I’m trying to live a better, more mindful life. I now feel a sense of solidarity with my fellow women and really want to work towards helping lift them up. That’s why #MeToo is so important. If there is one thing every single one of us women have in common, it is that at one point or another in our lives, we have experience something that allows us to say “Me too”. And we cannot let the movement die. We need to let everyone know that the time for bullshit is over. That we will no longer allow them to shame us into silence and that we matter. That we will raise our daughters to be strong where we were once weak, and to fight like there will be no tomorrow because #MeToo should end with us.

Thank you for taking the time to read this ever so personal post and feel free to share your own story in the comments! And if you don’t already, don’t forget to follow my blog on the upper right side of the page 🙂

With love,
Emily

I’m no one’s second choice!

3 Nov

**All names have been changed to protect identity**

Quite some time ago while I was actively searching for love on Match.com, I received a really amazing email from an Indian man named Sayeed.  It was a little longer than I like my icebreakers to be, but he was so well written, talked about a lot of the things I had mentioned on my profile and said just enough about himself to really intrigue me.  I checked out his profile and he seemed pretty interesting, but when it came down to his photos, I just couldn’t tell if I’d be physically attracted to him or not.

After a bit of thought, I decided I’d wait a few days to respond because I already had a date planned for the following evening with a Bavarian man, named Aldric.  I wanted to see what would come of our first date before initiating anything with Sayeed.

The day of,  Aldric suggested that we meet at a place called Green Street Cafe in Coconut Grove, and even though I didn’t really like the venue due to it’s pretentiousness and yuppie customer-base I agreed.  You can’t say I’m not a good sport!

Being the only Cuban in Miami not running on Cuban Time, I arrived early and sat at a table on the outside and ordered a drink while I waited for Aldric to arrive.  As I sat there I couldn’t help but notice a man standing at the bar in front of me.  He had a deep tan, gorgeous long wavy hair and was dressed up in a sexy suite.  For a while I could only see part of his face, but when he turned around I nearly choked on my drink !  It was Sayeed, and he was beautiful!!!

Now, the longer I waited the more I worried about Sayeed recognizing me and totally ruining my date with Aldric, but after a little while I realized what was really going on here.  He wasn’t going to notice me at all!   He was acting very nervous and kept looking around.  He brushed his hair with his hands repeatedly and kept looking at his phone….Yup!  He was there waiting for a date as well!

Sayeed’s date arrived a little before Aldric did so of course I had to scope her out.  She too was from India and was incredibly beautiful. I couldn’t hate!  They actually made a really cute couple.

Aldric eventually arrived and we had our date.  He was really sweet and it went well enough for me to agree to a second date, but now my eyes were setting on Sayeed as well.  I had to meet him!  I had to see what he was all about!

The next day I decided to respond to Sayeed’s email without making any mention of Green Street .  We went back and forth for a while and eventually moved on to the phone. We hit it off and in time, decided to meet each other in person.  On this date, however, I called the shots on the location and decided we’d meet at Transit Lounge.  For those of you not familiar with Transit (which is now closed) it was the coolest dive bar/live music venue in Miami.

Once again, I was the first one there, but this time I did not run into any other Match.com-ers.  At one point in the night, I did bring up the Green Street story and we had a great laugh.  Turns out that was his first date through Match.com and he was beyond nervous.   In the end, Sayeed and I  hit it off quite well and before getting into my car, I agreed to see him again.

A few days passed and we continued to chat, but no solid plans were made for the second date.  , Sayeed finally sent me a message saying that he had decided to take the other girl seriously and could no longer see me, but wanted to remain friends.  Of course, that was fine by me.  If it’s not meant to be, I am not one to force it!

However, two weeks later, Sayeed reached out to me again.  Turns out that after he decided to get serious about the other girl, she decided to get serious with someone she had met before him!  He now wanted to see if I’d like to go on our second date!  Hahahhaa!  As if I’d totally allow myself to be someone’s second choice!  My response was “Thanks, but no thanks. ”

And then I called up Aldric.

The words of a Conservative man…

28 Sep

As many of you may already know, my last blog entry (The world of Online Dating…) was featured on the WordPress Freshly Pressed two days ago and since then my blog has received a ton of views.  Before diving into anything too complex, I’d like to say that I feel extremely honored and am so grateful for that, as well as for all of the visitors, commenters, new subscribers and friends that came along with it.

Now, somewhere amongst those visitors was a gentleman who happened to read a comment  left by a fellow blogger, Amee Bohrer, where she stated the following:

“Emily, I’ve been doing online dating off and on since college! It worked better for me when I was younger– possibly because that was before most people have really been burned and they were more optimistic and open. What I see now is a lot of guys that are either desperate to get married and have kids, or their profiles are so hateful towards women that it seems they just want to vent rather than actually date!”

Somehow that inspired him (Mr. Conservative, as Amee dubbed him) to write his own blog entry entitled, “People Should Mary Earlier”, where, in a very subtle way he basically explained that by the age of thirty she’s most likely missed her chances of finding a husband and bearing children.  Now, this is just my interpretation of what he said so I will let you judge for yourself:

“I’m told that a woman’s fertility starts to decline around age 27, and that at 35 it’s already down to half what it was at 25 (and half of that at 40).  Whether those are the precise numbers or not, a woman’s fertility certainly declines over time, and with it (think of it in evolutionary terms if you like) her attractiveness to men.”

Reading this really irked me, but nowhere near as bad as when I read the following:

“Women should convert to Christianity and stop sleeping around.  They’re actively working against their own interests and squandering a valuable, but very quickly depreciating, opportunity.”

I was blown away by this.  I am far from Conservative and even further away from devoting myself to any one religion.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not an Atheist by any means.  I do believe in a God, but I am the type to admire all religions at once and not just pick one.  They are all beautiful in their own right and I respect and admire everyone and their religion of choice.

He then continued with:

“If all women refused to fornicate (and if the Supreme Court allowed us to outlaw pornography, by the way), men would suddenly be much, much more interested in marriage. “

Furthermore, I could not hold back and had to leave a comment of my own:

“I can only speak from experience and observation, and I also can’t totally agree that getting married younger will make for a longer happier marriage.

Getting married at ANY age, young or old, to the RIGHT person is what will make one last.

When a person is young, they usually tend to act on impulse in the hopes of living a dream that society has implanted into our minds from the moment we were born. Unfortunately these same impulses don’t always lead us to making right decisions.

Not saying no one should get married young. Some people find their match fairly quickly in life, and hey, that’s great! But for the rest, it’s best to be picky and patient and not dive into an inevitable mess for the sake of bearing children.

If women refused to fornicate and porn was outlawed, sure more men would be willing to get married..but then again, wouldn’t a lot of them just be settling for the sake of having sex? And if that’s the case, wouldn’t that lead to more unhappy and/or totally failed marriages? I also believe removing that stimulation from men can lead to other problems like an increase in rape and possibly child molestation. A lot of creeps need to get their kicks somehow, and if they can’t get it online, they will get it some place else.

And a woman does not need to convert to ANY religion to make her a better person or for hopes of having a successful romantic relationship. She just has to do what is right for her and live her life as she will.

Love is the law, love under will.”

So, I know it’s a lot to read and will probably make most women upset or even uncomfortable, but I ask you to take the time and read Mr. Conservative’s blog entry and share your thoughts.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to opinions and view points, but I’m just curious to see what people (particularly other women) think of this particular view point.

Thanks for reading!
-Emily

P.S.  After the publishing of Mr. Conservative‘s blog entry, she too was inspired to write an entry entitle, ” Publicity! Or: How a Conservative Hater Made My Day!.”  Stop by and check it out.  She is an amazing writer and a new friend 🙂